Cloudy Days

We've had some cloudy days lately...it seems like everyone in my program has been really discouraged. I feel like we've just been waiting for the sun to break through the clouds, and it just hasn't happened quite yet. At this point, I think we're all just holding on 'til our break in August.

We started our preceptorships this week. We just completed our first rotation of group clinicals, and now we're assigned to one specific nurse and we each work their schedule for the next 3 weeks. I did not enjoy the group clinicals. Not at all really. I consistently left the hospital discouraged. Leadership in those situations dictates a lot of how our confidence levels and attitudes will be, and we didn't have much help in that area. I lucked out and got a got preceptor, after being switched from a different one and then being told I was going to have to work at the hospital jail. I'm pretty sure mention of the jail (and rushing all my clearance paperwork through bc it would already be late at that point) was the last thing I needed to hear that day, and my clinical instructor and the floor supervisor could see that written all over my face, and so I found a preceptor on the floor I had been working on. But that's not the case with all of my friends. Preceptors-not always so good. So here we are, thrown into a new environment, new responsibilities, new expectations, little guidance, and basically zero encouragement. We are working 12hr shifts day after day on top of studying for ridiculous tests, while still trying to 'make new friends, and keep the old'. It's all manageable and doable, but here's the kicker...(and I can't believe I'm about to actually admit this, but here it is...)

At this point, I'm not even sure I like nursing. And the problem is, that is how most of my friends here are feeling too, which doesn't help the overall morale. I have put my life on hold for what I felt was preparation for a career that is perfect for my life's passions and purposes, and now I'm consistently discouraged. Sounds ridiculous, I know. And I keep telling myself that I will enjoy it a lot more when I am in an area/unit that is more specific to what I want to do. (right now I'm on a general medicine floor). We are learning some very interesting stuff (I secretly like school sometimes). The patient interaction is my favorite part. I will go almost the whole 12 hour shift questioning why I'm here and why I'm doing this, but one smile from a patient, or one sweet word of affirmation brightens up the day. Nursing opens up so many doors and opportunities, and I'm praying my attitude will change. I'm sure this is just an attitude problem and I just need to 'put on my big girl panties and deal with it.' Yes?

I just feel like I keep pushing off "starting my life." I have known since junior high what I wanted to do with my life. What I am here for, what my purpose is. It hasn't changed. And I never seem to get there. I've changed the path to getting there a million times. Am I making my life take detours for fear of actually achieving my goals? Scared of reckless abandonment in exchange for a fruitful life? Am I scared to loose connections here? Am I being obedient? What am I supposed to do with my life here Lord?!?!

I want to be overseas... Loving on kiddos all day. Loving people. Teaching parents how to best provide for their family. Encouraging and empowering women. Swooping up orphans in my arms and giving them the biggest hug they've ever had. Sitting down at a feasting table with precious children who haven't had a good meal in who knows how long. Loving the Lord with all of me, and letting that overflow onto everyone around me. (Idealist?)

Yes, I can get there with nursing. But when? It's just discouraging. I feel like my life will never 'start'. AHHH....Until then, I'm still here. Thanking God for a couple of precious friends I've made here, without whom I don't know what I'd do. Praying for a positive attitude, clarity, and affirmation that I'm right where He desires for me to be. Praying the same for the rest of my classmates who feel the same way right about now. And the sun will break through the clouds soon.